Susie's Diary
August 18, 1998
Today is my 24th birthday (happy birthday to me) and Brian
is just over 8 months old. I'm contunually amazed and amused by
the fact that he's become a *person* now. Not a helpless baby
anymore, though he still needs help with most of life, but a real
human being with a personality. Hw giggles, he sings, he crawls,
he pulls up on the furniture and then gets mad because he
hasn't figured out how to get down. Every day it's something new.
Yesterday as he crawled around making that damp buzzing, razzing sound
they make, I realized that his travelling was not random. He was
weaving in and out under the dining room set and there was a
definite pattern and purpose to what he was doing. I have no clue
what it was, but darn it, there was one!
He's so much fun to
watch as he explores the world. I can see through his eyes and
absolutely everything is cool. Rocks are fascinating. Books are good to
lick. Mud is tasty. The dog's water bowl is Nirvana.
It's not all
fun and games. He still eats twice during the night and I'm
feeling the strain of all the months without a decent night of
sleep. He's hit that charming phase where he screams if mama walks
out of his line of sight. He's cutting a third tooth and is
cranky about that. It can be hard to see him suffer and not be able
to help. The 20 minute shrieking tantrum he threw when I told
him "NO" because he wanted to play with an electrical socket was
horrible. Overall we have more good days than bad ones and that's all
we can ask for, I suppose.
As he grows and changes he changes
me too. I'm steadier now than I was before. Things matter less
that were once all encompassing and those things that were
inconsequential are now of utmost importance. I've gone from weekend
getaways and diamond earrings to life insurance and choosing a
daycare. Heavens, I need to write a will! How did I get so old? How
can I still be so young? I'm still sometimes swamped by the
feeling that I'm totally unqualified to be a mother. I keep waiting
for someone to show up at the door and say, "sorry, there's been
a mistake! You aren't nearly responsible/old/clever enough to
have a baby!" But they haven't come yet and I'm beginning to
think they won't and I'm very glad of that.
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(c) 1998 Susie Fielden All Rights Reserved
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