Dear Elijah & Xavier,
I miss you two more than words could say, you were my
life. I wish I had more memories to go by. I am so sorry I let
you die, it was not done intentionally. I'm sure God has
explained it to you. I feel like I need to tell you so much..
I need you in my life, but I know that is not possible. One
day God will reunite us and we can live happily for eternity.
You know, I think back to the day I found out that I was
pregnant. I never imagined it would be two of you. I remember
the look on your grandmother's face.. it was a scared look, but
when she realized how happy I was, she became happy for me.
Your father was not there for us, but I'm sure God will let him
know what he missed out on. I remember when I went to get my
first ultrasound, the nurse said "the first baby has a strong
heartbeat" and I said "what do you mean the first baby". Then
she told me that there were two of you. Me and your
grandmother were ecstatic. It was a feeling of such joy that I
cannot explain. I want you two to know that I quit smoking and
drinking caffiene for you to be healthy. I never wanted any
harm to come your way. I went to parenting and child birth
classes. I wanted to do everything perfect for you. I started
living my life for you, and I still am.
When I was 3 months
pregnant with you, I woke up one morning bleeding heavily. I
was so scared I was going to lose you. I went to the hospital
and the doctor said that your heartbeats were still strong and
I knew God was looking out for us. Every morning, noon, and
night, I would pray to God to keep you safe and healthy. I
prayed so much. I was so happy everytime I went to the doctor
and he told me that you were okay. I knew you were going to
make it. One doctor's appointment I was kinda upset that I
forgot to bring a video tape, but I promised myself that I would
bring one the next time. Then one day I went back to the
doctor. I brought the tape with me. I was so happy that I was
going to have a video of you two to show to people. We got the
ultrasound set up, and I can never forget exactly what
happened. The doctor kept shaking the monitor on my stomach, my
heart had the biggest ache in it, cause I knew I had lost you.
That is when the doctor looked down at me, and said that you no
longer had heartbeats. My heart got ripped out of my chest, but
I still had hope. I was on my way to the hospital to get a
better ultrasound done, the whole time I prayed to God to give
your heartbeats back to me. When I got to the hospital and
confirmed that you no longer had heartbeats, I died along with
you.
All my joy, all my happiness, all my hopes and dreams of
our future together got ripped away from me. The doctor gave me
medication to help induce the labor. I did not want to let you
go. I guess that is why you stayed in my body even after you
passed on. I gave birth to you first Elijah. I can remember
your little hand on the blanket, 30 minutes later I had you
Xavier, your little legs were crossed.
I touched yous skin and
it is a touch I will never forget. I regret not holding you,
but your grandmother did and I am happy for that. I regret not
taking pictures but at the time I thought it would hurt me too
bad. You two were the most beautiful babies I had ever seen...
you were MY children.
So peaceful and innocent. I regret so
much, I regret not insisting that I have a memorial service for
you. I didn't want people to think that I was stupid. I don't
care now though, I wish I could have said goodbye somehow. I
feel so empty, I think of you everyday. I wish I had more
memories, but the ones I do have, I cherish. I just wish so
badly that God would give me a sign, something to tell me that
you are okay, that you are with me.
I want to feel your
presence. I want to know that you are by my side everyday. I
get so jealous of people with living children, and then I feel
guilty.
I want people to acknowledge that I am a mother on
Mother's Day. I want to buy gifts for you at Christmas. I
want to celebrate you's birthday. I had so much love to give
and now I just feel empty.
I long for another baby, but I am
scared that you will think I am trying to replace you. I am
scared that I might be trying to replace you. And no one could
ever take yous place. You are the two most special people in
my life and will always be. I have your names tatooed on my
chest, so you are always close to my heart. I know you are
angels in Heaven now. And the day that I look forward to the
most is the day when God returns for me, and takes me to meet
you. I live for that day.
Sometimes I feel like killing
myself so I can come be with you. But that is a sin, and I
know if I harm myself, I will never get to Heaven to finally be
the mother I want to be for you.
I hope you understand that I
did not want you to go, but I suppose God had greater plans for
you. I feel so selfish sometimes. I want you back. I
sometimes feel that God had no right to take you from me. But
I know there are reasons behind Him doing so. I do not yet know
what those reasons are but I am sure one day I will.
Even
though you were not here for long I will always cherish the
time that God did give us together. One day my pain might not
be so great, I might find happiness. But please know that no
matter what life has in store for me, I will never forget our
time together. EVER. And I will always look for the day that
we will finally be reunited. I love you two dearly with all of
my heart and I will never stop loving you. See you soon.
Love,
Your mother
(c) Stephanie Walters All Rights Reserved
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