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by Jonathan Kronstadt
- March Edition - "Have a Little Faith"
- ... "It may not seem so after reading this, but I am actually quite happy
that I'm Jewish, and I want my kids to be too. I believe that, on
balance, Jews come down squarely in humanity's asset column, having
provided the planet with more than their share of humor, charity, wisdom
and beauty (as in music and art, for we are not a particularly
attractive people, Debra Winger notwithstanding). " ...
- January Edition - "What's Up, Chuck?"
- ... "But again, we had largely dodged the barf bullet. Until Max came along.
Sweet, loveable, low-maintenance little Max. The poster child for easy
babies, with one annoying talent. He can puke, as Steinbeck might say,
from here to eternity. " ...
- December Edition - Cars, Coolness and Parenthood
- ... "Some boomers had those nice big Honda Accords, with more than enough leg room for two munchkins and really big trunks. Big trunks are key,
because when you go away for the weekend with two small kids, you
appear, to the untrained eye, to be moving to Iceland. The second child
rockets your stuff quotient exponentially. For those of you who skipped
trig, that means really a lot." ...
- November Edition - Sleep: The Final Frontier
- ... "Sleep, I've decided, is a four-letter word. Of course, it's 2:06 on a
delightfully frigid morning, so it's possible my math skills aren't at
their peak right now. But when you haven't had enough, sleep becomes
literally the only word that matters." ...
- October Edition
- ... "After 15 months on the planet, Max has discovered his penis. This is a
good thing. It's a nice penis, and it's his, so I want him to feel good
about it. It's in the right place, and hopefully the two of them will
share many happy years of socially appropriate activities together. " ...
- September Edition
- ... "Inventors of the world take note. Parents of the world stand ready,
wallets open, credit card numbers at hand. Give us some peace and quiet,
and you can rob us blind. Just don't eat all the string cheese.
" ...
- August Edition
- ... "Ears are odd little configurations of flesh, but you can tell a lot
about a person from the way they look--and work. Mine, for example, are
beginning to sport wispy tufts of hair in places that were once
mercifully bald. This means I am old. My daughter's are adorable on the
outside, but inside are steaming cauldrons of bacteria and other
medically bad stuff, causing her to develop an ear infection about every
11 minutes." ...
- July Edition
- ... "For kids, playing is their job, and the local playground is their
office. Think about it. It's where they learn all of the virtues,
character flaws, and skills necessary to become an effective drone or
queen bee in the adult hive of work. Take, for example, ambition. It's
easy to see who are the risk-takers at any given playground. They're the
ones who grab for that extra rung, who even though they may wind up with
a faceful of wood chips, climb back up and push their reach beyond their
grasp once more. They go up the slide the wrong way, swing standing up,
and careen from one piece of equipment to the next like contestants on
American Gladiators." ...
- June Edition
- ... "The little tyke doesn't just sustain injuries, she inflicts them.
Nobody talks about parental abuse, but every time my daughter climbs
onto my lap she finds a new spot to damage. She can throw an elbow that
would make Charles Barkley proud. Or she'll be sitting on my lap
listening to some pastoral tale of bunnies and wildflowers when, in the
interest of getting more comfortable, she slams her head upward into my
chin, causing me to utter phrases rarely found in children's literature." ...
- May Edition
- ... "I've often said--repeating myself is sort of a hobby of mine--that if
everyone were as nice to each other as people are to me when I have the
little one along then, well, the world would be a revoltingly saccharine
place. With a cute toddler by my side, I am transmogrified in the eyes
of playground mothers from a potential stalker/rapist/masher into a
sensitive, 90s kind of dad who takes time out from clawing his way to
the top to stop and smell the wood chips. It's one of the perks of being
a stay-at-home-father; people just assume that you've given up some
dazzlingly lucrative and/or interesting career to stay home and nurture
the next generation." ...
| These works are copyrighted by the author, Jonathan Kronstadt. Reproduction of any kind is prohibited with out the express consent of the author. Please feel free to let Jonathan know what you think of his work by sending him an email. |
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