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Maternal Instinct When I was pregnant for the first time, people kept telling me that I would automatically know what to do with my new baby when it was born. (This was usually in answer to my wails that I knew nothing about babies). I refused to believe them. I'd had virtually no exposure to babies during my thirty-one years. I didn't even like them very much, and my usual tactic around children was to avoid them at all costs. So it didn't seem very likely that I would experience a sudden rush of maternal instinct at the crucial moment. So I took the academic approach that I usually took to everything else in life. I studied. I read numerous books on the subject, scouring the pregnancy, birth and baby shelves of all the local bookshops and libraries. I'd done this with everything else that had mattered in life - studied, read, sat an exam at the end - presumably childbirth and raising a baby counted as the exam at the end. (I tried to ignore the fact that I’d failed my driving test four times - was this a bad omen? If so, fear the worst, as I never did have another go at the driving test and still cannot drive). Graham suggested a couple of times that I was over-intellectualizing and that I should go with the flow a bit more. I ignored him. Instead I worried. I'm a champion worrier and it's something I'm really good at. Nearly seven years later I can look back and agree with Graham. I did over-intellectualize things too much, and still do. I did need to go with the flow more. It's good advice to any parent, prospective or an old hand. I realized this recently when we had a bit of a crisis and our instincts proved to be absolutely correct in the long run. Regular readers of this column will know that we've been having a lot of upheavals in our life, and that Angus has been reacting badly to them, with appalling behavior a lot of the time. We were convinced that it was all a reaction to the moving around that we've done so much of over the last eighteen months, and that he will settle down soon when he realizes that we aren't moving again. But other people's comments and reactions were starting to worry us, as we become uncomfortably aware that strangers believed him to have a serious 'problem' that needed something doing about. Angus started pre-school eight weeks ago, which was yet another new experience in a life already beset by too many new experiences. He loves pre-school and is very enthusiastic about it. He only goes twice a week, for two-and-a-half hours at a time, which we thought would not overload him. He has had problems settling into the routines and the behavior expected of him, however seemed to be making progress. Then came the day when he behaved aggressively and nastily at pre-school and the teacher had to tell me what had happened. She was, and is, very supportive and anxious to help Angus maximize his potential and enjoy his time at pre-school, however she obviously has an equal responsibility towards all her students. It all seemed to come to a head that day and we decided it was time we sought some professional help with Angus. Even though we were convinced that it was a temporary problem, the reaction he was exciting in others seemed good reason to seek some answers. We got a referral to a child psychiatrist. He was excellent, and spent time both with Angus, and us taking a careful history and observing Angus. He had the opportunity to observe Angus being average (with both of us), appalling (with me) and angelic (with Graham) - I guess the dynamics of that in itself told him a lot! We were of course concerned that Angus might be suffering from ADHD, the standard label these days for naughty children. Our psychiatrist laughingly told us, after the first visit (average behavior on Angus's part) that if we were in the States we wouldn't be allowed to leave without a prescription! He however said that it took him time to make a diagnosis. Ultimately his conclusion was exactly the same as ours had been originally, though naturally he used some technical jargon (and will no doubt present us with a huge bill in due course). Angus is suffering from severe anxiety due to all our moving around, and this is at the root of a lot of his bad behavior. It is to be hoped that he will settle down with time and the anxiety will recede. He also thought that Angus was extremely bright and had a very low boredom threshold, and that this stimulated extreme frustration whenever he wasn't interested in what was going on. We've had some similar problems, on the boredom front, with Tamsin, who is considered to be mildly 'gifted' and in need of stimulation and motivation. We can cope with that. On the anxiety front, we decided it might help if we finished unpacking - we have a HUGE book collection that we hadn't had the energy to unpack when we moved in, so three months later it's still sitting in boxes in the lounge. Or it was - a week after this verdict we have unpacked three quarters of it, and our backs and legs are in perpetual pain from the exercise. We were pleased, naturally, that Angus had nothing 'wrong' with him, nothing with a label that required treatment, just the natural consequences of circumstances that could be ameliorated with time and patience. But most of all it really shows us that our instincts were right, after all. And that could be the most valuable lesson of all.
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